Wednesday, October 27, 2010

"Story Of My Life"

A friend of mine once said to me, that the best way to cause personal change, is to treat yourself as though you are telling a friend what to do with their life. As someone with a somewhat – or rather – very bossy personality, I have spent plenty of time handing out what I believe to be my pearls of wisdom to a number of people. To keep going with the theme of love for my own ego, I am usually right and have very valid, non-partisan advice to give. I have always had a talent for considering both sides of an argument, usually because I am trying my damnedest to win one, and in order to dismantle one’s opponent, it helps to know their weak points. Mother always said I would have made a good lawyer, but I don’t necessarily like laws or rules in general (or spending hours-a-day studying rubbish I have no interest in) so alas, that dream never got out of the gate, but I digress. I was having a conversation with my friend Jeremy this morning, which covered our usual check in of feelings on life, and displeasure with certain aspects of our own. I then felt the urge to suggest something which I thought might be effective for him, and knowing we have similar habits (good and bad) realised it was one that I should be trying out on myself. SO…instead of doling out decrees from my podium, I told him I had just decided to start a story board of goals to give me something tangible to use toward my desired direction. This was a big deal, because it caused me to take ownership of my advice and apply it to myself instead of avoiding the areas of life in which I have had difficulty and had usually chosen to seal up in a box labeled “miscellaneous crap that I won’t admit to” in the filing cabinet of my mind. This didn’t just come out of the blue, nor has there been a slow build to it. I recently had a final-straw-camel-breaking-back-on-the-icing-of-life’s-cake experience that has occupied my energy for the last few weeks and am not only grateful to return to feeling normal again, but have finally had it with the fucking road blocks. If it’s a sign that I need to find a different direction so they keep from popping up, then FINE, I GET IT!! The detailed story of what I went through is not as important as the effect it has had. Besides, due to the magic of Facebook, I have been reading about all sorts of random tragedies that have recently taken place in the lives of people I know and it gave me some proper perspective on the scale of personal problems.

I have always been a kinesthetic learner, so figuring out what I really want has been a process of elimination by trying new things. I mean, how many times have you heard, “you’ll never know unless you try”? I’m sure whomever first coined that phrase wasn’t really thinking on the largest scale possible, so most people pick and choose what they deem worthy of trying. Admittedly, I operate on a theory of, “I’ll try anything once...and usually twice just to make sure!” That seems a scientific way to go about the proper collection of data, does it not? In order to be absolutely sure, one tries the same thing over and over again to obtain verifiable data which inevitably reaches the same solution. That is the proper way to go about any experiment. Does this apply to human nature? The opposition has the statement from Rita Mae Brown (also attributed to Einstein and Ben Franklin – who dabbled in science… - but was first seen documented in Ms. Brown’s writings, according to the internet) “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results.” Which is correct? I don’t know, because again I’ve strayed from my point. The “learn by doing” method is effective for me, until I get to a place where I stop to contemplate my data and usually end up wasting time. This is why I am creating the “Story of My Life Accountability Board”. I know there is all of this malarkey out there that The Secret spawned about making a wall of your desires, and not worrying about the ‘how’ as it will nebulously figure itself out. Hogwash, I say. Thanking the universe in advance for things you want to have happen, are not going to miraculously come true without a little effort. Sure, I could sit on my fat ass all day in lotus position thanking ‘god’, but I would also have the voice of my grandmother echoing in my ear that said “The Lord helps those who help themselves!” Therefore, putting down onto paper (or in this case dingy cardboard) a storyline which has me on one end, my goals on the other, and graduating goal lines of what needs to be done in order to reach them, seems slightly more reasonable and fun at the same time. I could just write it out, so that it would make a nice addition to all of the other random bits of paper with ‘to do’ lists on them that are lying about, but with this idea, I get to be creative and physically move my little ‘Kristen’ from one line to the next, closing the gap between me and my objective. What will also be good to see, and I’d imagine create confidence as well, is the accomplishment of the little things on the way to the larger. I will need to cut out someone to cast in the role of ‘Me’ that I can push-pin in and out on the journey to her destination (maybe that hot ad of Charlize Theron from Dior…) with a collage of things above the timeline that inspire me to give myself that extra kick in the ass I need every day, because I do not find strength in coffee alone, that is for sho’.

Why am I bothering to share all of this information? A few reasons:
1. My last blog was terribly depressing, and if you were kind(or bored) enough to read it, you deserve a silver lining.
2. Not finishing what I’ve started is a habit I am determined to break, and exposing myself (figuratively, of course) forces me to make it real as opposed to the ponderance of a nice idea I had once.
3. Writing about its progress (albeit in a public forum) will give the scientific side the data it wants and the creative side the outlet it needs.
4. If my insanity is entertaining, then why should I be selfish and not share?

Now, for your optional entertainment, I leave you with the song that inspired the title of today's entry:

Thank you Social D.